[We have a special guest blogger this week: The Minotaur, sharing exclusive journal entries about his incarceration. With just days to his release, he has a lot on his mind...]

In today’s post, I will address some of the more odious aspersions that have been cast upon me and my kind.

TOP 5 MINOTAUR MISCONCEPTIONS

1. We just destroy everything

I mean, really. Come on. I get up every morning, brush my fangs and horns, put on my minotaurkini, and start my day just like anybody else. My pile of hay is well ordered, my hoofs are buffed to a rippling shine, and the bones in my cave entrance are bleached, sanded and ordered by size.  I ask you: are these the actions of a mindless beast of destruction?

2. We just destroy everything

Again, this is just false.  Sometimes I do get upset, it’s true. And when I get upset it’s probably worse than when normal half-beasts do.  But I’m seeing a therapistataur, and have been making great progress with my breathing exercises and axeplay.  It’s minotauracist to think that I am a simple creature without feelings, whose actions are guided only by a crippling destructive impulse.  In point of fact, I love fine pottery and do the occasional bit of needlepoint.  Upon my release it is my highest aspiration to overcome my racial handicap and fulfill my lifelong dream of owning and operating a china shop for discerning mythical connoisseurs.

3. We communicate only in portmanteaus

This is just not the case.  I enjoy brunch as much as the next half-human monstrosity, but it’s NOT funny to call someone with a crippling condition a “minotard” when they have to wear a government-mandated restraint collar to go shopping in public.  Or to refer to their actions as “minotarded.”

I wish I could show everyone just how much love I have in my heart; it is love enough to fill two hearts – one of a man, and one of a giant bull.  That’s two hearts worth of love.  Should you call someone with that much love a “blowvine crippletaur?” That is for you, dear reader, to decide.

4. Being halfbreeds, we like half-things

Actually, I hate Pizza Combos and those blended shampoo-conditioners.  I prefer my pizza and pretzels separate, thank you very much, and those blends neither wash nor condition adequately. I get a pasty white residue in my neckmane and my coat is left without its typical gloss and luster.

5. We can’t look up

While I do get headaches from time to time because of the imbalance between my monstrous bull cranium and frail human torso, I have a complete and unimpeded range of motion.  Well, unimpeded as long as there’s nothing within hornshot.  I have to remember not to turn my head too quickly when waiting for a bus or someone might lose an eye ;D.

[Update - added a sixth to address a recurring comment]

6. We have romantic relationships with cattle

Of course not! That is the most disgusting and perverted accusation I have ever heard! You should wash your brain out with soap for even thinking about such a thing, you terrible, judgmental person.

…

Now, if a minotaur were ever attracted to a cow, it would of course be a forgivable mistake. If the cow’s torso were somehow obscured–by a blanket or plank of wood, say–and the only things visible were a powerful pair of hind quarters and a supple, cud-chewing face with a deep and gentle gaze…well, then who wouldn’t be immediately drawn in and seduced? Who, I ask you? No one. That’s who. Just let it end there and no one’s bovine heart will break. Not like mine. My poor, lonely, heartbroken beef-heart.

That’s it for today.

It’s four days to my release.  O victorious liberation!  I can taste freedom; it is like a salt lick covered in delicious marmalade.

Your friend,

The Minotaur